The Story of Fire by Adam Acidophilus

Many, many thousands of years ago in the distant, distant past man lived a crude and unsophisticated existence; for he had no technology, no science or philosophy - nor so far as he knew any history - but he had plenty of geography and decided to live in caves.

And as he sat there, shivering in the dark and staring up at the sky, he grew bored and restless, for there was little to occupy his thoughts.

"There must be more to life than this," he struggled to articulate, gazing up at the moon. "I mean, I saw these phases last month - I wonder what's on the other side?"

Until one morning, when his tribe espied a figure in the distance, bearing a strange and magnificent thing: a branch, black and broken and alive with yellow flame - a gift of that most elusive of elements: Fire.

"Oh people of the third lot of caves," began this stranger. "I bring a gift of that most elusive of elements, Fire."

"What's heating and lighting?" asked the tribe. "We've never heard of heating and lighting."

"Then enjoy Fire," he replied. "For the tribe that has, ur, nothing."

And with that he departed, laden with their finest fruits and berries, leaving the tribe to enjoy their Fire.

And they did enjoy their Fire, for its heat and for its light, and in time they learned to tame it and to grow it, and to breed it and to feed it - but not to water it - and to chuck it at people they didn't like.

"At last, a higher state of being," they agreed. "Now we can stare at the moon in comfort."

But a few days later the tribe was surprised to espy a second stranger - and he, too, was bearing a burning branch."

"Oh, people of the eighth lot of caves far beyond the forest," he began. "I bring Fire . . . "

"Off this bloke," they told him. "Last week! And it's very good, isn't it? Just the job for heating and lighting."

"This bloke . . . " asked the stranger, "was he a sort of, ur, caveman?"

"Well there's nothing wrong," the stranger assured them. "Only, you've got Standard Fire there - which is perfectly adequate for your needs - whereas this is New Wonderglow, brighter, hotter and specially formulated for cooking."

"Cooking?" said the tribe. "What's cooking? We've never heard of cooking. And what's formulated, come to think of it?"

"Sore mouth? Loose teeth?" the stranger asked. "Been up chewing all night? Perhaps you suffer from sensitive jaws . . . "

Soon the stranger was departing with a stack of skins and arrowheads - and the tribe looked long and hard at their new Fire. And in time they grew convinced that they could see no difference whatsoever, but they did not discuss it and instead they learned the principles of cooking.

And soon they had discovered baking and boiling, and frying and grilling and burnt - but not arson, as it is impossible to burn down a cave. And they rejoiced, for the long night of pre-history was over, the dawn of man has passed, and now it was time for breakfast.

Just after breakfast a third stranger arrived and he too was bearing a gift of Fire.

"Have you now?" the stranger replied. "Oh people of the many caves across the salty river New Wonderglow has had its day. You want to try this, this is Triple Action Blaze, crackles as it smokes as it blazes, the Fire of the Future, redesigned for today's modern lifestyle."

"Not only does it cook," he assured them, "but it is the ideal Fire for smelting, tanning and the firing of early ceramics."

As the tribe had run out of skins and arrowheads the stranger settled for both of their piglets - but their troubles were only beginning.

In the following months they were visited by many, many strangers bearing an assortment of different Fires, and they could hardly bake, boil, smelt, fry, fire, tan or grill fast enough.

They had to have Scorch, the low price Fire for all your household needs - even though they had never heard of houses; and they had to have Improved Scorch because it has been improved. They bought Flicker, for the tribe that likes to sing, because they'd never heard of singing; and Beacon, the longer lasting Fire for today and tomorrow.

And Pagan Flame, for Men, and the men were very embarrassed to discover that they had been using a ladies' Fire all this time.

Eventually the tribe hadn't very much left, they'd spent it all on Fire - but they had discovered smoking and charcoal and, inevitably, Art College.

"You know," one of them said one morning, "if you want my opinion, I reckon that these Fires are all the same . . . "

"They are all the same," agreed a passing stranger - emerging from behind the nearest rock. "But only the purest flames make it into Special Reserve, the mature Fire for the discerning connoisseur."

"We don't want it!" said the tribe. "Quite apart from the fact that we have never heard of barbecues - we are trying to rebuild our culture."

"Then relive those magic culture building days," he told them, "with a lick of Standard Fire, old fashioned embers, just like Mum used to make 'em."

"Listen!" said the tribe.""We do not wish to buy any Fire! We have bought all the Fire that we need! We are tired of these visits, and wise to this sales patter, and suspect that you may be the same bloke each time, and we have had quite enough of your wheeling and dealing!"