The University of the Shed by Adam Acidophilus

There was once a failure who was so embittered by his lack of success that upon reaching an age which he considered to be the point of no return he determined to devote the rest of his life not to his own ambitions but to the hopes and dreams of others – and to frustrating them as much as possible.

Curiously, though a failure this failure, was not without resources and he succeeded in obtaining a number of items: a patch of land, which he rented for a time, a pick, a shovel and a wheelbarrow – and a shed, which he named The University.

"Yea hear this!" the failure announced – through a length of disused piping – "all are welcome to the University of the Shed!"

And though this was taken by all and sundry to be a rather poorly enacted con-trick – the young and ambitious were drawn like cattle to his cry.

"And pray young student," the failure began – addressing the first of these victims to arrive, "what is your chosen subject future graduate of the University of the Shed?"

"Very well," continued the failure. "Let us first dig a deep hole and see what rocks we can find in it."

The student, willingly, dug a deep hole believing in his innocence that this was in some way connected with the science of geology. But no sooner had he reached a depth at which the presence of rocks could be felt than the failure knocked him senseless and buried him.

"Yea hear this!" repeated the bitter failure – who was far bitterer than the word might seem to suggest. "All are welcome to the University of the Shed!"

The second of his victims was, if anything, less worldly than the first. "And what is your chosen subject, future graduate?" the bitter failure asked him.

"Archaeology," the student replied. "The study of the recent past."

"A wise choice," chuckled the failure – handing him the shovel.

Choosing an area of ground some distance from the very recent past, the failure encouraged the student to dig for all he was worth. But no sooner had he struck a layer of broken pottery and glass than the failure had struck him and filled the hole back in again.

"Yea and welcome!" cried the bitter failure – who was as bitter as they come – "all are welcome to the University of the Shed!"

His final victim was, it has to be said, the most naive of the three. "Your chosen subject?" asked the failure, sharpening his pick.

"No," said the student. "I am in fact more of a pre-raphaelite, and I would like to do some painting."

"Bollocks," said the bitter failure. "Your first project is to create an outdoor sculpture entitled The Void which will take the form of a bloody great hole."

The student reluctantly got digging but no sooner had he created the rough beginnings for a sculpture which might well have been entitled The Void than the failure had bashed his head in and covered him up.

"Yea and welcome!" the bitter failure cried – for his bitterness knew of no human limits – "any more takers for the University of the Shed?"

Now a few moments later a wise old failure came by, and was immediately familiar with the scene – a bitter failure shouting down a length of disused piping trying to pull the old University of the Shed scam.

"Certainly," said the other. "And what is your chosen subject?"

"Never mind that!" snapped the wise old failure. "How dare you establish a university in a shed and pretend to run lessons in various disciplines when you yourself are nothing more than an embittered failure trying to take a few young people for all the money you can lay your hands on!"

"Right in almost every particular," shrugged the bitter failure. "But how else am I to resolve my wasted life?"

"By perseverance," said the wise old failure. "By commitment, by trying again and again, by honing your methods – or by chucking it in with a good grace."

"Well spoken, wise failure," conceded the bitter failure (who it will be noted did not actually say that he agreed).

The wise old failure left him there to reflect upon his actions and when he had reflected for some time, the bitter failure philosophically took up his pick and shovel, dug up all his victims and awarded himself a diploma in criminology.